Adolescent Dilemmas in Foster Care

It is hard to remember what being an adolescent was like. Sometimes I try. Adolescence is full of noise and fury in the best of circumstances. Emotions are “loud”, personal identity is fluid, big emotional themes resonate in the music kids are drawn to. Teens create self selected groups based on shared concerns and focal issues. In the midst of all of this sound and fury our sense of what is normal comes from our family experiences - what we’ve seen and experienced or been taught. Even in the best of circumstances being 13, 15, 17, or even 19 is stressful, confusing, and overwhelming at times.

Now add to that equation being “abducted by CPS”, living with strangers, loosing access to both your family and friends, and having your old sense of “normal” labeled “abnormal.” And to boot, chances are your original family was struggling to keep everyones’ head above water or without knowing it was decimated by poverty, little or no education or value for it, addictions (e.g. alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn … you name it) and violence mascerading as parenting or marital love. What a mess! This is the situation for many of the “institutionalized” recidivistic kids and families within the foster care system. These kids are full of frustration, tend to fury at their helplessness, and yet also want to develop their own individual dreams and futures. They have understandable deep-seated emotional connections and loyalties to their biological families. How could it be any other way.

In order to make a difference in this sort of bleak landscape with these sorts of kids it is imperative to be trustworthy. By trustworthy I mean someone who is genuinely interested in the individual kids welfare and is willing to listen with an open heart to the kids perspective and experiences. By providing a caring framework where kids know what is expected, feel respected, are treated with thoughtful kindness and listened to, are not preached at, or proselytize to a particular approach to life, a bond or connection of trust can begin to develop. This burgeoning sense of trust can turn into a springboard that can reduce the underlying fury and facilitate a return to normal developmental trends. As these kids become older the ability to control their decisions vanishes completely. The long-term goal would be to have developed a stable and trusting relationship that would allow more enough common ground where both sides are willing to hear what the other has to say and mutual influence can occur.